


A Day at the Zoo

by themuppetyone



Category: Avengers
Genre: 1796 Broadway, Cracky, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 22:02:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2324726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themuppetyone/pseuds/themuppetyone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint takes Hulk and Thor to the zoo.  Then the author amuses herself entirely too much.</p><p>This is set shortly after the museum battle in Tea & Rain's epic 1796 Broadway. But I think it may actually work as a standalone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Day at the Zoo

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [1796 Broadway](https://archiveofourown.org/works/972937) by [rainproof](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainproof/pseuds/rainproof), [teaberryblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue). 



Apparently, Hulk had always wanted a kitty.

Banner didn't remember it, but in the early days, Hulk found a spotted white kitten in a box and became fast friends with it for a couple of hours. Then Hulk fell asleep, woke up as Banner, and didn't notice the kitten sleeping nearby. Hulk was particularly smashy the next time he woke to find people shooting at him AND NO KITTY.

So after the battle at the museum, it surprised Clint (and everyone really) when Hulk refused to say goodbye to one of the snow leopards. "MY KITTY. MINE." Hulk clutched the leopard over his shoulder like a security blanket, carefully supporting the feline's hindquarters with his other hand. The giant cat paid no overt attention to this and licked blood from the tip of its tail. Feline dignity preserved. 

Not a genius for nothing, Tony figured out the solution. "Big guy, there's no room for your man eater at the tower," -- 

"KITTY NAME IS KITTY!" 

"Yes. Yes. Kitty. Fine. Jesus." Tony ruffled his hair in cross-species composure grooming. "But we can go visit Kitty at the zoo in a few days."

"Hulk see Kitty?"

"As often as you want."

"Tin man promise?"

"Tin man, I mean, I promise."

Hulk reluctantly put the cat down, knelt by it, and actually, god help Clint, kissed the overly fluffy carnivore on its homicidal little head.

While Tony managed a sudden attack of dust in his eye, Clint determined that they'd have a trip to the zoo soon. Tony had probably been lying through his teeth, but Clint was totally going to hold Tony to it. Clint would follow him around shooting spitballs and hiding stink bombs in his armor if necessary. 

\---

Clint needn't have gotten defensive.

"Yeah yeah, you don't have to tell me twice." Tony said later while fetching ice for Steve's hands. "I already called the zoo - arranged for a private tour of the big cat areas. They were a little nervous about Hulk, but calmed when I mentioned you and Thor would be along to babysit."

In Clint's defense, he honestly didn't realize this would make him the Official Grownup of the expedition until much much later that night.

\---

"But why can't Steve do this? He's much better at adulthood."

"Steve's hands are going to be in a cast for the next few weeks. He cannot hold Brussel Spout's hand as they cross the street."

Clint and Tony both took a moment to digest that image.

"Tony," Clint said, momentarily distracted, "we have to do that when Steve is recovered. Have To."

"You are so right! We need pictures. We need this on youtube. WE NEED TO MAKE THIS A SESAME STREET SEGMENT! I dated someone working for CTW once upon a time. I'll call her! And if I get this set up in advance Steve won't be able to disappoint all the little kiddies. This will be brilliant, if I do say so myself!" Tony did a little dance and spun in place.

"Man, I am glad you're on our side." Clint chuckled, and walked out of the room.

Two minutes later he walked back in. "Wait a second, wait a second. You distracted me," Clint protested, "I can't do this. I have been informed by no fewer than eight people that I do NOT count as a responsible adult! What about you?"

Tony raised an eyebrow. "First of all, I will be playing Florence nightingale for our leader of the pulpy hands. Second, when I get distracted by improving the zoo's electronic signs or internal wifi to include video of actual literal hot monkey sex, will you keep Fury from ordering me shot? I'd like to put off a messy painful death for at least another three thousand blow jobs or so. Give or take."

Clint's shoulder slumped. "Sigh. Can't argue there."

\---

"Oh man, I haven't been to a zoo in ages," Bruce said wistfully, taking his shirt off. "The other guy is going to be really happy. I don't even know that the other guy knows how to be happy. Clint, this is really..." He choked a little as he unbuttoned his shirt.

"Oh god. No. No talking about feelings. I will turn this car around right now."

"But Hawk Brother, we have already parked the car in yonder vast field of lines."

Clint sighed. "I know, it's a... Nevermind, Thor."

They were greeted at the zoo entrance by a harried-looking older white woman in a suit with streaks of white in her dark untidy bun and a smaller, tanner, infinitely perkier woman who could be summarized as a 5"1 bouncing freckle. The older woman greeted them. 

"You must be Mr Stark's party! I'm Joan Meyers, VP of fundraising, so pleased to meet you! This is Sam, she's an intern here for the summer and won the straw pull to escort you around the Big Cat area." 

"Won?" Bruce eyed her. He wasn't used to people wanting to spend time with the other guy.

"Technically, Jim pulled the short straw, but I traded him two batches of homemade cookies and a case of ginger beer for it. I saw the footage of Hulk carrying four mouse deer on YouTube and I wouldn't miss today for the world!!" She was bouncing up and down on her toes and had her hands clasped together over her heart.

"Youtube?" Bruce looked perplexed.

"Becky." And Clint. And tequila. But he wasn't fessing up to *that*.

"Ah." Bruce blinked a bit but otherwise didn't look suprised.

"You have Heart young one! Come! Let us see these great feline warriors!"

Sam squealed. Bruce shrugged, gave his shirt to Clint and went green.

\---

Clint was going to have his head examined. This had to be a hallucination. Sam was carefully tying a balloon to the big guy's wrist explaining how every zoo visitor needed to have at least one. Thor had three on each arm. Clint very much did not but only because he'd used his best assassin's glare.

Hulk carefully poked at his bright red balloon with one finger. "No smash?" 

"No smash! Play!"

Hulk broke into a grin. It was disconcertingly unthreatening. "PLAY! KITTY TIME!"

Sam grabbed grabbed hulks hand (really, 2 fingers of it) and skipped off towards the tigers.

Clint shook his head and muttered. "No sense of self preservation. Maybe I should introduce her to Darcy."

"Friend Clint, are not my balloons wondrous?" Thor was tugging on the strings and watching the red spheres pop back up. The wonders of Asgard apparently did not include helium and Thor was as delighted with them as he was with every new limited edition pop tart flavor.

Clint thought it was too bad they hadn't been tied to Thor's arms with more even lengths. He would've had fun pulling one and letting it bounce into the others like the silver clicky thing on Fury's desk. He wasn't allowed to play with them anymore after one too many comments about playing with Fury's balls. Nat said that there were some mental images no one needed and that she'd back Fury up. Traitor.

Clint heard a bright squeal and turned around. "Oh god. Hulk, don't break the intern! Tony will make me pay for a new one!" Hulk had picked Sam up.

"HULK NOT SMASH. PUNY INTERN CAN'T SEE TIGER IN TREE." He deposited her on his shoulders. She looked ecstatic. 

"Oh there it is!! This is SO COOL!"

Clint facepalmed. At least Thor was behaving.

\---

To Clint's surprise and relief, Hulk was on best behavior. He went quietly from big cat to bigger cat with an excitedly chattering intern on his shoulders. Sam talked quickly with vigorous sweeping motions of her hands, but Hulk hadn't so much as let her wobble.

Thor, on the other hand...

"What is endangered species status?"

"What is loss of habitat?"

"What is this wondrous fluffy concoction that melts on the tongue?"

Thor was the unexpected toddler. Well, slightly less expected toddler. Thor was unfamiliar with non-Norse Midgardian wildlife and was bouncing around like a monkey. He had traces of blue and pink cotton candy stuck to his lips and was talking with even greater ebullience than usual. And in the traditional manner of toddlers everywhere, took great joy in discovering all that balloons could do.

Clint was recording a big eyed hulk reaching for a panther for Nat, (Okay fine, also for YouTube, but mostly for Natasha. Really. That was his story and he's sticking with it) when a sudden BANG had Clint jump 3 feet in the air, whirl around and reach for his bow. 

Thor laughed with glee. "I like it! Another!" And burst a second balloon between his massive hands. Thor laughed harder and reached for a third.

Clint grabbed his arm. "Thor. Thor, buddy, you're going to scare the animals with the noise."

"Nonsense! They are mighty warriors these felines, proven in a fight against the Wretched Hydra! They will not fear mere sound."

Fear was perhaps the wrong word. The Pallas cat was giving Thor a truly disgusted look. Clint took a few minutes explaining how such mighty hunters have sensitive ears and a hair-trigger response and gave an impromptu homily on The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

"Hmm," mused Thor. "I would not wish to dampen their edge for combat. It would be great disrespect for my clawed brethren!" He looked thoughtful for a brief moment, clapped Clint on the shoulder, took a giant bite of his cotton candy (a blue patch) and bounced on to the next exhibit.

Thor was at least a very happy toddler. He appeared to be deep in discussion with one of the bobcats. Damn if Clint didn't have a case of Allspeak-envy. 

Thor looked up in delight. "Clint! This feline located my friends the dignified birds! I can hear them not 200 feet from here. I must pay my respects and tell them of my Lady Jane!" And flew off. Or took a single 200 foot jump to the northwest.

Clint's jaw dropped a little as he watched Thor. "He's putting me on. Right? Where's Nat when I need her. HOW AM I THE GROWNUP?"

"KITTY FRIEND!" Hulk roared.

Wait what now? Clint saw Hulk carefully put down the intern, and heard Sam squeal and clap as Hulk leapt into the Snow Leopard enclosure. 

The two cubs zipped into the background. The nearest grown leopard, got up, stretched leisurely, sniffed at Hulk and twined around his ankles. "KITTY!" Hulk crowed in delight. He picked the big cat up and hugged it carefully. The fore paws rested on Hulk's shoulder and the fluffy white tail made a very pretty contrasting belt around Hulk's green waist. 

Hulk was thrilled. Kitty was trying to look bored but its loud purring indicated a failure of Cat Dignity 101.

Clint just stared for a minute and muttered "you're gonna love it, and squeeze it and call it George, huh?" He took a deep breath and scanned the rest of the area. Two snow leopards paced the exterior of the exhibit, looking wary but not hostile. Okay. Intern was beaming and taking pictures. Also fine. And... No Thor. Oh crap. No Thor. Well. How much trouble could Thor get into with penguins?

\---

"It is before noon on a Saturday. I ain't happy."

"Darce, hey. Um. I need advice," Clint started hesitantly.

"My advice? I'd advise you to Never Ever wake me on a saturday unless there's a fire. And if there isn't, I will light one. In your hair."

"I know Darce, I know, I wouldn't except I can't tell if its an emergency or not. I'm at the zoo with Hulk and Thor...."

"Wait. What?"

"Tony made me! And now Hulk is inside the snow leopard exhibit and Thor went off in search of his Penguin Brethren and Thor is a grownup, right? I don't have him in line of sight. That's okay, right??"

Eventually, Darcy managed to stop laughing. "Okay, I don't have to set you on fire. This is its own punishment!" 

Clint's shoulders fell at the sound of the phone clicking on him. He swore a few times then picked it up again and called Natasha. "Nat, help. I have Hulk treating a snow leopard like a teddy bear, and Thor swanned off to see the penguins. Which is my line of sight priority?"

"Show me." 

He turned his phone to the unofficial petting zoo.

Hulk had settled into a cross legged position on the ground and was laughing as the first snow leopard licked his hair. A second snow leopard, one of the cubs, sniffed at his knee and tentatively put one paw on the great green thigh. Hulk scratched it behind the ears. 

"Oh," came Nat's tinny and unexpectedly soft voice from the stark phone. "Okay, he's good for a bit. Make sure someone is recording this and you can leave him for five."

\---

Clint found Thor before he offended any zookeepers but not before he alarmed some parents. When Clint found him, Thor was playing interpreter between their 6 year old girl and a very large King penguin. Who knew that penguins had such an extensive treatise on the philosophical nature of fish?

Clint reminded Thor that the zoo officials would be very nervous if he wasn't keeping an eye on Hulk, Just In Case. 

"An excellent point!" Thor boomed. He turned and bowed to the penguin. The penguin scrunched its neck and bowed back. As did the little girl. And then the penguin. And then the little girl. They went back and forth about 6 times like a demented child's toy before the child giggled and ran back to her mom.

They managed to get back to the snow leopard exhibit uneventfully. They spent the rest of time time Tony reserved with the zoo keepers chatting quietly and recording Hulk with his fuzzy friends. 

"Midgard has many wonders, but aside from the beauty of My Lady Jane, seeing our friend in joy be the best so far." 

"This is pretty cool indeed," Clint agreed. And bought Thor another cotton candy.  
\----

...six weeks later...

"Whoa. You're a big one!"

Hulks brow furrowed. "What you?"

The red critter straightened up. "I," it said putting a hand on its chest, "I, Elmo! Who you?"

"I Hulk!"

"Hulk is way bigger than Elmo! Is Hulk a grownup?"

Hulk was wearing his Does not Compute face. "Hulk is... Hulk?"

Elmo gave a full-muppet nod. "Hulk want help Elmo learn to cross the street?"

Hulk looked dubious. "JUMP?" 

"Now, Hulk," answered Captain America, "most kids can't jump across the street like you can. Elmo certainly can't."

"Ooooh. Captain America is a grown up! Captain America help Elmo cross street?"

Thirty feet away, behind the cameras, Clint & Tony did the smuggest fistbump ever while Natasha recorded it all in spite of the sheer redundancy. Her starkphone wouldn't live up to the professional grade video recording taking place, but she was pretty sure that they'd edit out the good stuff. Nat didn't want to miss a second.

"Take Captain America's hand, Hulk!"

"Why?"

"If not grownup must take hand to cross street!"

Hulk looked skeptical and grunted a little but took the Captain's hand. Elmo took the other.

A couple of minutes later Tony smothered a guffaw as all three of them looked first to the left, and then to the right in near perfect synchronization. Clint was grinning so hard his cheeks threatened to cramp. "This is better than that vid of the penguins watching a butterfly!"

Tony looked even more gleeful. "I am a genius! This is totally worth another trip to the zoo."

"Not it on the chaperone! You and Steve get to do this one!"

"Yeah, yeah. Totally worth it."

**Author's Note:**

> This trip was brought to you today by the letters T, H, and the number of Tony's foot up Clint's ass if he ever steals his leftover takeout again. Really, Clint playing Chaperone was Tony's long awaited Wonton Revenge, and if he'd known how much fun it was going to be, he'd have gone along to watch in person. Or at least sent a spy drone.
> 
> Location Note: I somehow missed that obviously Kitty was from the Central Park Zoo, not the Bronx Zoo. The Central Park Zoo only has Snow Leopards, and not any of the other big cats, sorry. I just didn't think any animals other than big cats would hold Hulk's attention on his way to see Kitty, so I left it. TOTAL POETIC LICENSE. DO NOT GO TO CP ZOO AND BE SAD FOR LACK OF TIGERS. 
> 
> CTW = Children's Television Workshop. The guys behind Sesame Street.
> 
> This is a Pallas Cat.  
> http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pallas's_cat  
> And I've never met one that WASN'T a judgmental-looking fucker.
> 
> Snow leopard is looking at you:  
> http://twitter.com/EmrgencyKittens/status/504474700303847424/photo/1
> 
> Thor and pop-tarts: I do not know if his love of pop tarts is cannon or fannon, so my apologies if I swiped this idea from someone. I feel like I've seen this in at least a few places.
> 
> Last but not least, much thanks to Tea for beta-ing this for me! Not to mention inspiring and egging this fic on. Any mistakes left are solely my own.


End file.
